Leaning into Brave Conversations

From as early as medical school, we begin to assume the professional behaviours of a doctor. In doing so, we absorb the culture of stoicism that is deeply ingrained in the system, one where our emotions don’t feature. Where we get on with the job. We’re taught empathy with a heavy dose of professional detachment. Yet the reality is that we are human, and with humanity comes feelings.

I was a paediatrician when I experienced burnout and mental illness. For years I felt ashamed, hiding my experience like some dark secret. A few years ago, I found the courage to share my story, first with one or two colleagues and slowly with others. As I did, an unexpected thing happened: other people began sharing theirs. It was as though modelling vulnerability had somehow offered colleagues permission to connect with how they felt. Suddenly, I saw people’s behaviour through a different lens, a lens of understanding and compassion.

This brought me to the work of Brené Brown who’s dedicated her career to researching vulnerability, shame and leadership. Her books and podcasts marry wisdom, science and humanity and have connected me with the concept of courage. I’ve never been a particularly brave person, in fact many of my behaviours have been fuelled by a deep need to people-please and avoid conflict. Over recent years however, I’ve realised that these attitudes haven’t served me well and that healthy conflict is an essential component of effective teamwork. With that in mind, I’ve channeled my inner Brené and begun to lean into difficult conversations, opening the door to opportunities for connection, growth and change.

Let’s consider a practical example. We’re in the staff Room and I overhear a racist comment made between colleagues. Shamefully, in previous years, I would quite possibly have let it go, my silence unknowingly colluding with the behaviour. Now, I pause and consider how to respond, not with accusation and judgement but with compassionate curiosity.

Evidence shows that most one-off instances of incivility can be successfully addressed with a ‘Cup of Coffee Conversation’, an informal conversation between peers. No disciplinary consequences or sanctions, just frank feedback delivered with kindness and compassion. When we lean into these conversations with genuine interest and connection rather than judgement and accusation, we give others space to respond rather than react.

Kim Scott, author of RAdical Candour, offers a framework for difficult conversations that encourages us to “care personally whilst challenging directly”. When we sugar coat feedback to be “nice” or avoid clarity so as not to offend, we deprive people of the opportunity to grow and develop. When we respond with passive-aggression or flatter someone to their face and criticise them behind their back, we neither care nor challenge. Conversely, when we offer brutally frank feedback without considering how someone might feel, we act from a place of obnoxious aggression. The sweet spot is being able to respond with radical candour- sharing your opinion and feedback directly, whilst also caring for the person, showing vulnerability and offering an opportunity for connection and growth.

Let’s be honest, these conversations are tricky, particularly to start with. They feel clunky and messy. Dr Anna Baverstock, paediatrician and senior wellbeing lead, explains that these conversations never really get easier, but if we’re willing to lean in, we begin to feel more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

So, I leave you with Brene Brown’s wise words. “Choose courage over comfort,” and dare to lean into the conversations that others shy away from.

References:

-       Civility Saves Lives www.civilitysaveslives.com

-       Scott, K. (2017). Radical candor: How to get what you want by saying what you mean. Pan Books

-       Brown, B. (2018) Dare to Lead. Vermillion

-       Brown B (2021) Atlas of the Heart. Vermillion